Kids got privilege—and they're alright (essay)

How NOT to cultivate gratitude + POETRY & Story reading

Note: This is a new modality for this publication—a mini-essay on something that’s been on my mind lately.

“Exemplary joy” PC: Reena Kapoor. Instagram: @1StarDusty

Kids got privilege—and they're alright

Inculcating gratitude in our kids is a good goal for us parents. A noble one even. But sometimes I wonder if we go about this in a way that’s counterproductive.

Thing is gratitude should be “taught”—like everything else we parents want to impart—through example. No point exhorting our kids to be grateful if we spend much of our own energies carping, complaining and criticizing everything and everyone at large.

And yet there’s a still darker side to our efforts to inculcate gratitude. I see us doing it by making our kids feel bad or guilty about having a good life—ironically the life that mostly we gave them. I don’t know how much of this is coming as a direct consequence of our modern grievance-ridden culture¹, because there’s plenty of that to go around; but I cringe when I hear parents use the word “privilege” to induce guilt in their own kids. Yes “privilege,” which is what mostly we gave our kids, is now a dirty word.

Sometimes examples from our past or another’s life are useful for context but a constant nagging about how hard we had it or “how privileged you are” seems unhelpful, perhaps even counterproductive…

Being born into comfort and care is a good thing. We should all be so lucky². If we’re born into fortunate circumstances—including a happy family, loving parents, all kinds of positives, including material prosperity—that’s indeed reason to celebrate. It can be a bedrock, a sound substrate, both for finding opportunity and seeking meaning. We should want more of that for more people.

To be clear, I’m NOT making a case for letting our kids remain clueless or unaware of others’ suffering. Nor a case for giving them an unfair leg up (e.g., legacy admissions, buying them positions they clearly cannot earn on merit). In fact, regardless of our fortunes we should teach our kids both gratitude and kindness. Sometimes tough talk with examples from our past or another’s life are useful reminders for context. But harping constantly on how hard we had it and “how privileged you are” seems unhelpful, even counterproductive.

…let’s show our kids how to be grateful and giving—NOT guilty…

Because to make our kids feel guilty for something they didn’t choose, nor create, seems both unfair and a case of misplaced ethics. It’s worth considering if this is another contributing factor to the constant stage of rage so many young people these days are found in. Inexplicably, too many kids in their late teens, twenties, even thirties, who live ostensibly prosperous—I daresay “privileged”—lives can be found frothing all over social media in pain and anger as if they’re in a constant state of siege. Such phenomena are rarely single variable determined, but misplaced guilt seems a likely contributor.

Such undeserved assignment of guilt has yet another deleterious effect. When we constantly harp on the good life our child has and make them feel guilty, their reaction can be one of grasping for social approval, empty virtue signaling and other devices for expiating guilt. The child has no time or space to reflect on what moves them or would fulfill them. I observe many end up choosing fields and profession they think are “virtuous” and not because they’re excited by the actual work. Fine minds chasing false gods. Unfortunately, society doesn’t need yet another human stuck in work they despise, out of a sense of guilt to shut up the voice in their head telling them they’re not worthy. This only creates unfulfilled people.

The world instead needs more intrinsically motivated people able to have, create and give joy. So, what if we showed our kids how to be grateful and giving—without undeserved guilt?

Poetry + Story Reading

Here is yours truly—along with some very talented poets and writers—reading a couple of my poems AND my (exactly) 100-word stories for the wonderful Yuganugoonj initiative. I’m the 2nd poet/writer in the line-up. I hope you enjoy it.

1. I’ve also seen the reverse. A misguided young college grad I know “blamed” her mother—one of the most hard working single moms I know who put both her daughters through college and continues to support them—for giving her a “privileged” life! You heard that right. Such a case is mostly a result of our corrupted culture of grievance accounting where having a good life in any way is a mark against your character. Only suffering and victimhood = virtue. So naturally, there’s an arms race in declaring victimhood. But that exploration for another time.

2. I speak mostly about the modern/western/free world, btw.